


Misdialing

by DistracttheGoddess



Series: DWC Prompts [11]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: College AU, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Modern AU, bad decisions in progress, wrong number shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 10:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11079999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DistracttheGoddess/pseuds/DistracttheGoddess
Summary: All Elethea Cousland wanted was one stupid night of fun, now she finds herself in the pantry hoping that her friend Leliana knows how to incapacitate a man with cinnamon. Moderately flustered, she dials the wrong number and finds a sympathetic stranger on the other line.





	Misdialing

“Thank the Maker you answered! Alright, so here's the situation. You know how you told me to have fun this break to forget about school stress. WELL, this guy Dairren is staying at the estate, so I was like, score. He's pretty alright, and he's here for a few weeks, could be a good way to kill time and potentially have some fun no strings attached. No. No it was not. First of all, it was not fun. Not fun at all. You know what I mean. Almost anti-fun. But that's not all. We only, uh, caboodled the once, but for some reason he's got it in his head that I'm his soulmate or something. And I know it wasn't the sex, because meh. But he's been following me around and trying to talk about our _future_. Plus he gets mad when I talk to any other guy, and that's seriously pissing me off. And I can't have him kicked out, Maker knows Gilmore would love that, because his mother is an honored guest of _my_ mother. So pretty much my only option at the moment is to avoid him so I'm calling you from my pantry because I don't think he'll look for me here. Please help me, I've got paprika, cinnamon, salt, um, I can't pronounce this one, but it's like green flakes and smells like, bleck, it smells like my dog. And like two barrels of potatoes. Why do we have so many potatoes? Who ordered this? Wait, doesn't matter. Anyway, I need you to tell me how I can incapacitate him without killing him.”

There's a long pause. “Leliana?”

“Uh, no. Not exactly. Well not at all. Sorry. I can't really help with the whole spicy knockout gas situation you've got going on, but I can offer my condolences on your frisky house guest. I can also walk you through preparing some pretty decent potato wedges if you're hungry.”

With a sudden pit in her stomach, Thea pulled the phone away from her ear to look at the number she called. 'Lad – Notes Hst 201.' She thumped her head against the potato barrel. This could not be happening. If she remembered correctly, this was the guy who sat behind her last term in Ferelden History. He let her borrow his notes after she missed class because she was hung over. They were insanely messy, but very thorough.

“Oh, maker.”

“Is that a no on the potato wedges? Probably for the best, I've only successfully made them the once. The other tries... did not go well.”

“I'm so embarrassed right now. I'm so sorry. I meant to call my friend Leliana, she's good with this sort of thing.”

“With besotted suitors or with turning salt into cyanide?”

“Oh, both I'd imagine. But I called her specifically for the second one. Not that I want cyanide. I don't want to kill him.” She paused. “No. That's a pretty extreme punishment for being bad at sex. I just want him to leave me the hell alone.”

“Doesn't chloroform knock people out? Maybe she knows how to make a knock-off with cinnamon.”

“You know, she might... I'd feel weird using chloroform though. Plus I've heard it doesn't work like it does in the movies. Hollywood has lied to us all.”

“The gall. Maybe you can chuck potatoes at him until you knock him out.”

Elethea laughed. “That's certainly an option. If I wanted to knock him out with brute force though, I'd just punch him in the head. I want some plausible deniability here. 'No, sorry Lady Landra, I don't know why your son fell face first into his stew. I've clearly been here in this chair the entire time.'”

She heard a snort from him and smiled. “Did you talk to him before resorting to chemical warfare?”

“Yes! I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't want a relationship with him and that he needed to leave me the hell alone. I think I even threw in some unsavory terms for his manhood, but I think he _liked_ that so it kind of defeated the purpose.” She sighed. “He's here for another week. I think I'll just stay in here. Potatoes are fine to eat raw, yeah?”

“Why don't you leave for the week?”

“And go where? I could go back to the dorms I guess, but I feel like that's letting him win. Besides, going back to the dorms means the cafeteria and I'm not ready to give up home cooked meals yet.”

“Hmm. Home cooked meals you say? I tell you what, I could be persuaded to be your pretend boyfriend in return for some delicious home cooked food. He seems like the kind of ass who would only leave a girl alone if she 'has a man.'”

“You just love me for my access to perfectly cooked steak don't you? Major flaw with your plan though, pal, I've had sex with him, so if I suddenly have a boyfriend he'll either know I'm lying or assume I cheated on said boyfriend.”

“We were on a break! We can tell him that we broke up before vacation, but we're just _too much in love_ to stay apart.”

“Second flaw! My parents know I don't have a boyfriend. I'm pretty sure it's why his family got invited in the first place.”

“You were keeping me a secret! Tell them I'm horribly uncouth. No wait, I'm absolutely charming, they'll see through that in an instant.” Elethea felt a smile form even as she rolled her eyes. “You were afraid to tell them because...”

“Because you're incorrigible?”

“Hey! I'm delightful. Just tell them you were going to announce it in person, but we had a fight and you were too wracked with heartbreak to talk about me.”

“Oh, man. And you were so close to plausible too. I've never been wracked with any emotion in my life. Besides, I have a _third_ flaw. I don't even know your name. You're in my phone as Lad with the notes in History 201.”

“Ah ha! You just love me for my perfect history notes!”

Thea scoffed. “Perfect? They were well done I'll grant you, but I did need a Rosetta Stone to decipher them, so...”

“My handwriting isn't _that_ bad...” There was a short pause. “Alright, maybe it is. My name is Alistair, by the way.”

“Alistair.” She said it slowly; tasting the syllables on her tongue. “I'm Elethea. You can call me Thea though.”

“Elethea.” He said in rather the same manner she'd said his. She was a little surprised at the warm glow of pleasure she felt in her chest just hearing his voice say her name. “I've had another idea!”

“This'll be good.”

“Well since you are so dead set on not feeding me, have you tried... telling his mother?”

Thea dropped the potato she was idly pulling eyes off of. “That's... not bad. Although, it would require me to tell his mother that I slept with him. Or at the very least that I don't want to date her son. I might actually just give him an ally.”

“Well then I guess we're back to square one. Or, square two I guess, since square one was dosing him. Square two being the one where I get food.”

“I'm still pretty sure that wouldn't work. Oh! The cook made cheese rolls!” Thea ripped off a large bite with her teeth and groaned.

“Well now you're just being mean.” he pouted.

“There's also the fact that I don't really know you. You could be a serial killer for all I know.”

“Were those the notes of a serial killer?”

“Maybe? They weren't made of magazine letter cutouts so I guess that works in your favor.”

“See, I'm basically a paragon of innocence. But I guess if that isn't enough for you, you could always call Leliana. You said you were trying to reach her when you called me right? We were lab partners in chemistry last term. She could vouch for me.”

“How do you know it's the same Leliana?”

“How many Leliana's do you know? Redhead, always has a braid in her hair? Accent? Super friendly but there's always a low key vibe that she could kill you at any time? That Leliana?”

“Oh, yeah. That's totally her.” She paused, thinking for a moment. “So were you really serious about coming here to help me? You don't even know me.”

“I never joke about food. Ok, that's actually not true, but yeah why not? I'm not really doing anything else over break and I think you're underestimating the sway my appetite has on my decisions.”

“Let me call Leliana. I'll call you right back.” She hung up before he could say anything.

She could not seriously be considering this. She held the phone to her chest. This was actually insanity. Inviting a stranger to spend a week at the estate... There did seem to be some additional benefits though, she could probably use him as an excuse to get out of a lot of things. 'Oh, you wanted me to entertain some diplomats from the Free Marches? Sorry I told Alistair we could explore the grounds, sorry can't get out of it. Would be so rude.' Yeah. That idea had some merit.

Still though, he was almost a complete stranger. Plus pretending to date some one was weird. Who even did that? She shouldn't do this. She should just call him back and say no deal too weird. Then again...

She double checked the number before dialing Leliana this time. _Oh, maker. What was she getting herself into?_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Based on: ‘i called the wrong number and started talking about my life and you only interrupted me after a few a few minutes of me revealing some pretty personal stuff and now youre invested in my life troubles’ au  
> and  
> "Why exactly do you need chloroform at 2AM?"


End file.
